My Husband* Won’t Talk About Money: 11 Communication Tips
*Anything said here can apply to people of any gender and to any type of relationship
Do you constantly tell your friends, 'my husband won't talk about money’? You aren't alone; many husbands won't, but not always for the same reasons.
Some husbands feel it's their 'duty' to handle the money and that women shouldn't worry about finances. Others get controlling for different reasons that we discuss later in this post.
The most important factor is recognizing when your husband won't talk about money and knowing how to fix it.
My Husband Won't Talk About Money
If you constantly think, 'my husband won't talk about money,' then you should know that you aren't alone. 73% of married Americans claim that marriage and finances don't go together. What they did agree on was that talking about money caused disagreements, intimacy issues, and stress in the marriage, so it's no wonder husbands don't want to talk about money.
To make matters worse, money problems are one of the top reasons for divorce, so if you don't get your husband talking, it could lead to an undesirable path in terms of your money and relationships.
For better or for worse, every married couple (or similarly-committed couple) must discuss money, their financial future, and any financial issues. Having both partners on the same page is important if you want to save the marriage and even have the marriage flourish!
Why Spouses Don't Want to Talk About Money
Why do spouses ignore financial conversations if it's important to talk about money, including financial issues, in a marriage?
Many husbands and wives are afraid to disclose their financial history. Some worry about being judged, others about feeling restricted, and yet others don't want to feel blamed for their financial issues.
Every couple has different reasons and a unique situation, but here are some of the common reasons a married couple may have trouble discussing finances, as I see with my clients.
Past Debt
If a partner brings a lot of credit card debt or school loans to the marriage, it can feel embarrassing to talk about money problems you had before you married. If your partner couldn't resolve the debt before you married, he may want to hide his past financial decisions for fear that you won't trust him with your finances today.
There isn't a rule that each person must be debt free before they get married, so it's important to show your partner that you're open and willing to help, however appropriate, with any financial issues brought to the table.
Spender Who Feels Restricted by a Budget
Some partners are spenders who might feel restricted if you create a joint plan, with them feeling like you put them on a budget. They may worry that they won't be able to make spending decisions freely and instead will have to get approval before spending money. This can feel like a parent-child dynamic, and that is uncomfortable for intimate partners.
A married couple should allow both partners to have decision-making responsibilities when discussing finances; however, sometimes one spouse takes over, controlling the finances and not letting the other spouse make any decisions. This unhealthy dynamic will lead to financial stress, anxiety, and even resentment.
Budgeting is important and should be a part of every marriage, but both parties should feel heard in their financial needs, including being able to spend, regardless of whether both parties bring in income, as each person contributes to the relationship in the agreed-upon ways.
Feeling Blamed in Discussions
When you discuss marriage and money with your spouse, it can be easy to feel targeted or like you are to blame for the financial troubles and debt.
In many marriages, partners avoid discussing money and marriage in order to avoid fights. They also may not want to feel responsible for any financial issues, even if their partner doesn't blame them. Many people internally blame themselves when things don't go perfectly in a marriage, including finances. This can be especially common for men, as they are socialized to believe it’s their job to take care of the family financially, and that idea stays with you even if your conscious brain knows that you’re equal partners regardless of gender.
Avoid pointing fingers or blaming the other person for any issues. It doesn't solve anything and could make the issues even worse. Instead, seek to listen to and understand each other, and you’re get a lot farther a lot faster.
Not Being Involved or Resentment Over Being Told What to Do
Some partners have resentment issues. They either resent being told what to do or get mad when they aren't involved in the financial responsibilities. If one spouse thinks the other is taking over everything and/or won't let them make decisions, it can cause a power and money imbalance in relationships.
On the flip side, some people don't like being told what to do. Even if together you decide to put one spouse in charge of the family finances, the other spouse may become resentful at being told what he can and cannot buy.
Belief That Everything Will Work Out
Some people live on faith and believe everything will work out. They know money is one of the top reasons for divorce, and they don't want to risk anything. They would rather avoid discussing the topic and trust that everything will work itself out when dealing with money issues. Unfortunately, finances tend to get more complex and important over time as earnings and/or financial commitments (i.e. a house, kids, cars) may increase.
Salary Differences
It's not uncommon for a married couple to have a power struggle regarding salary differences. If one spouse makes more money, that partner may feel like they should make all financial decisions. Sometimes one or both partners feel guilty, whether for having more money/income or for not contributing enough.
In any case, this can cause a power struggle which pushes couples to avoid discussing money in relationships because they don't want to fight.
How to Talk to Your Husband About Money
The best piece of marriage advice you can receive is to find ways to talk about money. Even if you think, 'my husband won't talk about money,' there are ways. Here are some ways to break down the barriers, making money in relationships work.
Share Your Relationship With Money
Don't hide your money story. Everyone has a different relationship with money., and this doesn't make one person right or the other wrong. Don't be afraid to talk about your personal finance history, whether you love or hate budgeting, and how your family handled money growing up.
When you share your relationship with money with your partner, it's easier to see where one another comes from. This reduces the number of disagreements you have and may reduce your money issues. How you grew up wasn’t your fault, but you now have the power to learn, grow, and thrive!
Share Your Fears
Everyone has fears when discussing financial security. Whether you're afraid your spouse's spending will get out of control or you don't know how to budget, be honest with your spouse.
Fears often hold us back from our greatest accomplishments. For example, if you're completely risk averse, but your spouse loves investing and taking risks, talk about what scares you, and find a middle ground.
When you understand what each person deals with in their head, it's easier to have a good money relationship together. Of course, this doesn't mean you'll always be on the same page, but understanding where each person is coming from can help you shape your financial future that honors one another's wishes.
Share Your Dreams
Don't be afraid to share your dreams, no matter how wild they seem. Many partners hold back, not sharing their dreams because they're afraid of sounding stupid or not being able to meet their goals.
It's okay if you both have different financial dreams. Sharing your ideas may spark new ideas and even improve your married relationship, for instance because now your partner knows more about how to support you and surprise you! Not sharing your dreams is like holding back a piece of yourself, which is one of the top reasons for divorce.
You don't have to have the same dreams or worry that if you don't, your marriage won't work. Opposites attract, and when you're open about relationships and money, you'll increase your chances of having a stronger marriage.
Don't Speak in "You" Statements
Some of the best relationship problems advice you can receive is to avoid pointing the finger. Each time you say 'you,' it's like pointing a blaming finger at your spouse.
Instead, start your sentences with 'I' statements. This shows you're taking ownership of what you've done. You can also use 'we' statements that show you are in this together. Even if you know your spouse committed financial infidelity or didn't stick to the budget you created, blaming only makes your partner feel worse and less likely to talk. This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t share your truth or have tough conversations, only that there ways to do so that can give you a better or worse likelihood of those conversations being helpful and productive in the long-term.
Keep the lines of communication open, and make one another feel like no topic is off-limits. For example, when discussing couples finances, remember this is a team effort, not one partner against the other.
Don't Let Your Emotions Run The Show
Money and emotions are tied together, so having feelings, and maybe even lots of feelings, around money conversation is normal. However, if in getting emotional during your talk about couple finances, your emotions dictate entirely how you act, this may only makes things more stressful. Most spouses don't like to see their partner upset or angry, but it can be important for your self-expression and for their understanding of you to see those emotions. But if those emotions run the show, and you lose consideration of your partner’s feelings, experience, or point of view, then this can cause them to shut down and not want to talk.
Consider practicing what you want to say before you get together so that you can process and work through your emotions. This will help you speak more calmly and vulnerably to your spouse, ensuring that your conversation about money will lead to more problem-solving and less fighting.
Set a Good Example
If there's something you want to achieve financially in your marriage, set an example. For instance, if you want to follow a budget more closely in your relationship, show your spouse that you're doing just that. Adhere to the budget you set, and show your progress. Just don’t be obnoxious about it, and that might motivate your partner to do the same thing.
Start Small, and Celebrate Little Victories
Financial security doesn't happen overnight. Instead, as a married couple, celebrate your small wins. Did you put more money in your savings account this month? Maybe you paid off more debt, getting you closer to becoming debt free.
No win is too small to celebrate. Think of it as a milestone in your personal finance journey, pushing you along to reach more milestones and create more financial security in your marriage.
Understand and Respect Your Partner's Dreams
You may not see eye to eye with your partner's dreams, but that doesn't mean you ignore them, overlook them, or make your spouse feel bad. Instead, be honest with one another. For example, when you talk about marriage, talk about your dreams, whether financial or otherwise, and let one another know what you want to achieve in life. This makes it easier to create a plan together to make it happen, having each other’s back to achieve your financial goals, whether joint or individual.
Create a Basic Plan for Review
Don't make your financial plan so complicated that you can't achieve your goals. Instead, create a basic plan that you agree on and can make happen. You can always tweak and optimize things later.
Keep in mind your relationship with money and what you're capable of handling right now. Of course your plan can change in the future, but starting with a simple plan that gets the conversation going and helps you honor one another's dreams is a great start.
Be Flexible
Mistakes will happen, but that doesn't mean you should blame anyone or feel bad about it. Instead, pick up the pieces and figure out why it happened. Did you overspend or not save enough? Did your income change that month? Maybe something happened mentally or emotionally that pushed one of you to spend more.
No matter the case, it's important to talk about the mistakes in your married relationship so that you can learn from them, heal any issues between you two, and figure out how to move forward.
Be Transparent
Avoid financial infidelity as much as possible. Be transparent with one another even when you make mistakes. If your mistake caused a money issue, it's okay, it’s human. What's not okay is hiding it from the other person, hoping they won't notice.
Money in Relationships FAQ
What Are Financial Red Flags in a Relationship?
There are many financial red flags that can show up in a relationship, but the most prominent issues are not telling the truth, hiding money, controlling money, and not letting your partner know anything about your income or debt.
Money problems are one of the top reasons for divorce, so it's important to know the red flags and how to address them.
Can Money Issues Ruin Relationships?
Money issues are often the main reason for divorce, so yes, they can ruin relationships. But they don't have to destroy what you've built. If you and your spouse don't see eye to eye and can't find a middle ground, financial counseling can help your marriage and finances at the same time.
How to Manage Finances in a Marriage - The Bottom Line
Married couples must handle finances together. Dealing with finances in marriage, especially the big decisions, shouldn't be ignored or delegated to one party. Instead, husbands and wives (in whatever combination) should be on the same page or at least have regular money talks to discuss their financial situation, how to improve it, or how to meet one another's goals. Click here to take the "What's Your Couple's Money Personality Type?" quiz now!
Want to level up your game around money in your relationship? My free quiz will help you learn your Couple’s Money Personality Type AND how you can grow from there!
~Adam Kol, The Couples Financial Coach
