My Wife* Spends All My Money, and I Need Advice
*Anything said here can apply to people of any gender and to any type of relationship
When the number in your bank account begins to dwindle without your consent, it can be hugely nerve-wracking.
Moreover, the experience can be incredibly stressful when you learn that the source of the decline is your own overspending partner!
Please know that it is not uncommon for couples to have different ideas of how money should be spent, especially if you're newly married or otherwise new to sharing finances.
Without having discussed as important a topic as spending and how to allocate money, spouses can be left on different pages, if not completely different chapters.
Becoming accustomed to your spouse's spending habits can be one of the most challenging aspects of growth in marriage.
However, it is entirely necessary to make sure that the two of you understand each other's boundaries and can maintain a flourishing financial situation, not to mention minimizing tension and potential resentment.
Now, reader, it can certainly seem tempting to point your finger at your wife and blame her for the diminution of your joint account balance.
Nonetheless, it is important to ensure that you two are clear on how you are arranging and sharing finances, as it may be money that you've consented to her using, or at least you two haven't created plans or parameters that say otherwise.
First, start with a fact check. Especially if your wife is working and has income, you'll want to get crystal clear about whether she is actually spending money that is yours and not her own, at least regarding who earned that money.
After thoroughly vetting the money's source, check whether she's spending money on unnecessary goods or services that you could both otherwise do without AND that make it more challenging to achieve your financial goals.
Even within that, there may be items that benefit both of you or even things you have agreed (or would agree, if discussed) to split. If you find yourself unsatisfied with the answers you're getting and finding, it may be time to talk about finances.^
Read on to find out when it's time to have a conversation with your wife about her spending habits.
It's important to understand (1) the reasoning behind your partner's spending of money and (2) how to resolve the issue for the sake of your financial future and the well-being of your relationship.
^All couples should discuss finances, as it touches all aspects of life and is a prominent cause of relationship stress and break-ups. If you feel like your spouse is spending all of your money, then it is all the more important!
Let's Investigate — Is Your Wife Really an Over-Spender?
If your wife spends too much money, then you may find yourself feeling insecure about finances.
You may feel like she's causing you two to live paycheck-to-paycheck rather than being able to implement a long-term financial plan covering key goals, emergencies, hospitalizations, or even job losses.
To determine if your wife (partner, spouse, etc.) is an over-spender, look at your regular financial statements to evaluate where the money is coming from and where it's going.
If the numbers leave you unhappy and worried about where you will find the cash to pay for necessities or emergencies, and you neither want nor buy the other items, then — your wife is over-spending.
Don't miss this point, though: Over-spending is relative and circumstantial. What might be overspending for you could be no problem for MacKenzie Scott, for example. And what's no big deal to Rihanna might well be over-spending for you and your family.
Beyond that, make sure you're considering the various types of value a partner can bring to a relationship, even if they're not producing income.
For example, are they doing volunteer work or cultivating a business idea? Perhaps they're taking care of the home and/or family, thereby allowing you to focus on your job and also making it so you don't need to pay for the things that your wife is doing. (Those things can be expensive!)
If your wife or significant other doesn't contribute financially, this can cause even more anxiety, as you're just one job loss away from possibly having no income.
And of course, having both people working would, all else being equal, mean more money versus one income struggling to figure out how to live on less money than you earn.
If she spends too much on unnecessary goods and services, then you may start to feel that she's taking advantage of your salary. That road can lead straight to resentment, which will really hurt the intimacy of your relationship.
This isn't a question of whether a man should support his wife financially. Instead, it's a matter of making sure that you're both financially stable for the duration of your marriage.
Possible Reasons Why Your Wife Spends a Lot
When looking at how much of your paycheck your wife spends, you may find yourself saying something like, "All my wife cares about is money." This idea, while understandable, is ultimately an accusation that may simply come from a place of frustration.
Needless to say, I don't recommend such an approach to broaching the topic of money.
Before taking up an accusatory tone with your wife, try to understand her why. Why might she be spending cash, and why might she be spending it to the degree that she is? To build actual trust and partnership, you'll eventually want to hear her answer.
But for now, this attempt to understand hopefully will (1) calm you down so that you're not being reactive and (2) help you cultivate some curiosity and compassion for when you start the money conversation with your wife.
Your overspending spouse may not be trying to take advantage of you financially at all. There are many reasons that may account for her (actual or perceived) over-spending, such as:
Loneliness
Boredom
Never being taught or learning the importance of budgeting money
The influence of marketing and advertisements. (By the way, corporations pay people a lot of money to figure out how to affect people's spending choices, and I believe that this impacts all of us, even if to varying degrees or in different ways.)
Social pressure, i.e., from her peers or family
Growing up with enough money to be able to spend it freely or
Alternatively, growing up where money would disappear as quickly as it came, with that stress and trauma leading to a (often subconscious) mindset that sounds something like "It might be gone tomorrow, so I might as well spend it while I have it."
Regardless of the reason for your wife's overspending, you should always approach the situation with the intention of creating more mutual understanding and closeness.
What if your spouse or partner is acting out in serious ways, such as putting your assets in her name or forcing you to take certain actions that disadvantage you? In that case, which may even be considered financial bullying, it's time to secure your information and act immediately.
Get help from a financial advisor or planner for guidance on how to manage money, protect your assets, and try to work things out as quickly as possible.
Click here for a complimentary 1-hour consultation
Understanding the Spending vs. Saving Mentality in Relationships
Married couples may suffer from a difference in opinion about spending or saving, but it's not just enough to assert or demand that your wife does what you want. This isn't the 1940s, folks!
If you want to save more money than you are currently in a way that would necessitate a change in spending habits, then your wife needs to understand why.
To help your wife understand why you plan to save, first reflect on why it matters to you to save more, including your future goals and dreams. For example, you could cite any of the following reasons:
Having enough to pay your children's way through college
Having funds stashed away for emergencies
Having backup finances if you lose your job
Having enough cash put away for retirement
Helping to calm your financial anxiety (Note: If this is you, then consider seeking coaching or therapy to work on your financial anxiety, but also, in the meantime, having less debt or more savings can help decrease the intensity even if it doesn't remove all of the anxiety.)
By those same standards, you need to understand your wife's inclination to spend. While spending above one's means is not the most sustainable mentality in a marriage, you're still a team and each other's support, so you've gotta be willing and able to see that person's point of view.
Plus, the more you understand each other's motivations, the more effective your strategies and compromises likely will be! The options are often broader than we assume, especially when we're coming in frustrated about an issue, so stay open and curious.
Recognizing exactly where your significant other is coming from is important in any aspect of a relationship, and your finances are no exception.
How Does an Overspending Spouse Impact the Relationship?
If you have a spouse with a spending addiction or who refuses to listen to your pleas regarding financial responsibility, it can feel frustrating. The financial challenges can put a wedge in your relationship, causing arguments or hurt feelings.
You may find that you stop trusting your overspending spouse, especially if she doesn't want to seek professional help.
If the stress becomes too much, it could lead to divorce due to overspending, but to avoid that, you may consider financial counseling for both partners or at least one if you can't get your partner on the same page yet.
How To Address the Issue and Move Forward Peacefully
Financial imbalance in a relationship is a difficult roadblock to overcome, but it's entirely possible when both parties are willing to consistently communicate constructively about their financial challenges and desires.
To resolve the financial tension between you and your wife, the first step I suggest is acknowledging your role in the dynamic.
For example, perhaps you haven't brought up the topic often enough, allowing negativity to build, or perhaps you've previously been prickly or patronizing as it pertains to your partner's purchases, which played a part in pushing her to be more private about them.
Once you've opened up the dialogue, it's key to talk about your financial goals and how current spending impacts them. Eventually, you'll want to agree on a plan, thereby establishing boundaries around spending.
To ensure that her overspending habit diminishes and that the changes stick, work on creating a budget that you both agree to.
Along with the budget (and aided by the budget), support her in understanding the importance of reexamining her spending choices so that collectively, you spend less than your combined income, leaving money over for paying off debt or achieving other financial goals.
Within such a plan and budget, include the following elements:
Both of your incomes
Your necessities and the associated minimum cost per month to live (i.e., food, rent, utilities, etc.)
The amount you want to have set aside for emergencies
The debts you owe, their interest rates, and the associated minimum monthly payments
The amount allocated for non-necessities/luxuries each month
How often you will need to repurchase certain items, whether toilet paper or appliances
The amount you want to put towards vacations, birthdays, holidays, and other non-monthly but still predictable expenses
"Financial black holes" such as unused internet subscriptions or membership plans
While it is entirely possible to peacefully agree on a spending system that honors each of you, it's also common for parts of the process to cause defensiveness.
Especially when there's a financial imbalance where one partner makes much more than the other, then the lower-earning may, for example, feel insecure, leading to higher sensitivity and more easily being triggered to defensiveness.
If you're the lower-earning, explore how you can stay grounded during a conversation, and if you're the higher-earning, ask how you can make your partner feel safer during a conversation.
If you cannot work the situation out with a conversation, or it's taking longer than you want it to, then it may be time to look into hiring a couples' financial coach.
AKA a money coach for couples, they'll use their know-how to effectively mediate a discussion that will produce a solid financial plan that satisfies and honors both you and your wife.
FAQs
Should We Share a Joint Account if My Wife Consistently Spends All the Money?
If managing money becomes too challenging with a joint account with an overspending spouse, separate accounts may curb the financial problem.
With separate accounts, you have control over your money and can ensure that the necessary bills are paid and that you do your part to achieve financial stability in the household.
Is It Considered Financial Infidelity if One Spouse Overspends Against the Other's Wishes?
There isn't a cut-and-dry definition of financial infidelity since each couple has different circumstances.
However, suppose you feel your spouse refuses to listen or stop spending. In that case, it can feel like financial abuse or infidelity when she doesn't address her spending problem, leaving you to handle the financial challenges.
Can I Legally Stop a Spouse From Spending Money?
Legally, there isn't much you can do about a spouse's overspending unless you are in the middle of a divorce.
While you are married, the best thing to do is seek professional help so both partners can get on the same page and find a solution for the financial issues that occurred.
Should I Get a Divorce Due To Overspending?
No one can tell you if you should or shouldn't get a divorce, and the good news is there are ways to handle a wife who spends too much money without heading to divorce court.
The key is to have an unbiased professional help you get to the root of the problem and then create a plan to get your budget back in line.
You Can Get Your Finances Back on Track Despite This Setback
Finances can be an uneasy discussion topic, especially when it comes to financial planning between spouses.
If you feel that your wife is spending too much money, then it's time for a candid financial discussion, working to understand each other's preferences around saving and spending. Always try your best to create a budget that allows each of you— and your bank account(s)— to be happy.
Communication is key to resolving money-centric issues in relationships, but it may not always be easy to address touchy financial matters with your wife. If you need any additional help discussing money management, check out this guide.
Since finances can be a tricky topic, one conversation may not always permanently shift to your spouse's overspending. For extra help, reach out to a financial coach so that you can thrive in your relationship as you deserve.
Overall, remember that a healthy relationship requires lots of elbow grease to make things work, and financial teamwork is one of the keys. Visit my website to learn more!
Want to level up your game around money in your relationship? My free quiz will help you learn your Couple’s Money Personality Type AND how you can grow from there!
Adam Kol is The Couples Financial Coach. He helps couples go from financial overwhelm or fighting to clarity, teamwork, and peace of mind.
Adam is a Certified Financial Therapist-I™, Certified Mediator, and Tax Attorney with a Duke Law degree and a Master's in Tax Law from NYU. He is a husband, dad, and musician, as well.
Adam's wisdom has been shared with The Wall Street Journal, the Baltimore Ravens, CNBC, NewsNation, and more.
