Advice: Stay-at-Home Mom & Husband Controls Money*
*Anything said here can apply to people of any gender and to any type of relationship
Stay-at-home moms have just as much right to the household income as they did when they worked. If you're a stay-at-home mom and your husband controls the money, you may need some help.
What Is a SAHM?
A SAHM, or Stay-at-Home Mom, is a mom who stays home with the kids and manages the household while her spouse earns the income.
Some stay-at-home moms plan to stay home while their children are young, while others find ways to make money from home while at home with their kids.
Benefits of Being a Stay-At-Home Wife
Being a stay-at-home wife has many benefits, most notably the time you spend with your kids. You don't have to worry about job stress or your job taking away time from your children, and you won't have to miss any milestones.
You can also spend stress-free time with your kids and ensure they have the upbringing you desire. You also help your family finances by not paying for childcare when you stay at home.
The average cost of childcare is $225 to $260 per week, which could take a large chunk out of your household budget.
Difficulties of Being a Stay-At-Home Wife
Stay-at-home moms have many advantages, but there are difficulties, too. Those stereotyped images some people have of stay-at-home parents sitting around drinking coffee and watching TV all day really aren't accurate.
First, stay-at-home parents don't get the same level of interaction as they did when they worked outside of the home. Your primary source of communication is with the kids unless you venture out with other moms, so it can get lonely.
When you stay home, it's easier to feel undervalued, too. People and maybe even your spouse might look at you like you are 'less than,' even if they don't say it because you aren't bringing home an income.
Finally, when only one spouse works, it can be hard on the household funds. When all the pressure is on one spouse, you often need to sacrifice non-essentials or even reasons to revisit your budget to make ends meet.
I'm a SAHM, and My Husband Is Controlling With Money
When you're a stay-at-home mom, it's easy for your spouse to feel like he has the right to control the money.
But, whether it's because he feels you aren't contributing or because your spouse feels he has more rights to the money, you shouldn't feel less than when it comes to finances because you don't work.
Each partner plays a part in making the household run smoothly- one partner is the financial support (earning the family income), while the other is the child support (providing child care and running the household).
My Husband Says His Money Is His
Some men who work while their wives stay home feel like the money belongs only to them. They know they bring in the only household income, so they have the right to control the money how they want
Husbands with this line of thinking want their wives to have financial dependence on them. It makes them feel superior and in charge. They don't look at a stay-at-home parent as a job when, in reality, it's the most thankless (and underpaid) job that exists.
If you're thinking, "My husband won't let me see his bank account," it's a red flag. Just because you don't work a job that brings in an income doesn't mean you shouldn't be able to see the bank account and be on the same page about the household finances.
My Husband Hides His Finances From Me
If your spouse hides the finances from you, again, he wants you to be financially dependent on him. He might be hiding how he's spending the money while keeping you in the dark so you don't have any of your own money to spend.
Some husbands that work a full time job don't think a stay-at-home mom should have the same rights. Your spouse might not even share the household budget with you, assuming all roles as the 'provider' in the house.
My Husband Values Money More Than Me
If you've ever thought all my husband cares about is money, you aren't alone.
Many husbands value money more than their wives. Money makes them feel superior, and they may not get the same feeling from a physical or emotional relationship.
As a result, your husband might be hyper-focused on material objects and what his money can buy him rather than fueling your relationship and being with the family.
Signs of a Toxic Relationship
If you're stuck in a toxic relationship, it can feel like there's no way out. Unfortunately, many wives don't even realize they are in a toxic relationship until someone points it out to them, and even then, some remain in denial.
But if you notice any of these signs in your marriage, it could point to a toxic relationship.
Your Spouse Doesn't Trust You
If your spouse doesn't trust you with money or questions every penny you spend, it's not a healthy relationship.
Just because you don't work an income-producing job doesn't mean you don't want to make sure the bills are paid, the kids are taken care of, and both you and your husband have what you need.
Your Spouse Uses Hostile Words
If, when it comes to money, your spouse gets angry or hurls hurtful words at you when you're talking, it's toxic. No matter how much money he makes or what you guys spend, there's never a reason to get hostile about the subject.
Your Spouse Controls Your Every Move
If your spouse questions every penny you spend or puts you 'on allowance' so you only have money when he gives it to you, it's controlling.
No matter how much money he makes, it's never okay to be the controlling one. You should both have an equal say in how the income is handled.
Your Spouse Never Sees Your Side of Things
If your spouse sees it his way or no way, it's toxic. Even though he is the one who makes money, it doesn't mean you don't have a say in the financial side of things. Your financial future depends on his decisions since you aren't currently working and can't provide for yourself.
That's a lot of financial risk for you to take on in case things don't work out. You should have an equal say in handling your money and the steps you take to reach your financial goals.
You Have To Ask for Permission Before Spending Money
Even though you don't work, that doesn't mean you don't contribute to the household.
You are providing a service that your family needs (taking care of your children) along with a multitude of other tasks. There's no reason that you should have to ask for permission to spend money when you're married.
So What Do I Do if My Husband Controls Money?
If you're thinking, "My husband doesn't share money with me," or you're in a relationship where you experience any other financial abuse, the key is to get professional help.
Just like a person with an addiction or someone with other mental health issues needs professional support, so does a controlling husband.
Working with a couples' financial coach, you can each have your side of the story heard and get professional input on how to fix things moving forward.
Finances are hard enough to deal with on their own, but when you add a troubled relationship or financial imbalance into the mix, it can be overwhelming and impossible to handle on your own.
How Can a Stay-At-Home Mom Protect Herself Financially?
Being a stay-at-home wife with no money can feel scary. Even if you love nothing more than being able to be home with your children and taking care of the house, you must protect yourself financially, too.
Whether your husband handles the family money or you have joint accounts but don't access them, there are ways to protect yourself.
Stay Employable
Someday, you may not want to stay home any longer. Whether your financial situation dictates your decision or you are ready to explore life outside the home when the kids are older, you must stay employable throughout your time at home.
Avoid letting your licenses expire and keep up with any continued education or testing.
Also, keep your resume and portfolio up-to-date. If you can work a side gig or even consult a few hours a week, keep track of what you do and provide updates to show that you're still 'in the loop.'
This way, you'll be an attractive candidate when you're ready to join the workforce.
Improve Financial Literacy
A big part of protecting yourself financially is fully understanding your personal finances and how to manage your money.
Consider having your own bank account and setting up an IRA, even if you don't have a full-time job. As long as your spouse is employed, you can contribute to an IRA and prepare for retirement.
Consider staying up-to-date on the latest personal finance tactics, asking your spouse questions about your financial situation, and sharing the financial responsibility of handling the bills or other financial tasks.
The more you know, the more independent you'll feel, even if you stay home.
FAQs
How Do I Get My Husband To See My Financial Contributions as a Sahm?
Sometimes, husbands don't see the financial value of what their wives do as stay-at-home moms. The easiest way to get your spouse to see the value of what you do is to list all the tasks you do and then look up the average pay for these services.
Include things like child care provider, house cleaner, meal preparer, kids transporter, bookkeeper, and nurse in your descriptions. This can give your husband a better idea of the value of what you provide while you are a stay-at-home mom.
Should a Wife Have To Ask Her Husband for Money?
A wife should not have to ask her spouse for money. Just because she currently doesn't work does not affect her right to share in the use and directing of household funds.
Because wives provide the household with incredible services, there's a financial value to what they offer, even if you don't see it as a deposit in your bank account.
Instead of asking for money, both spouses should be on the same page financially. Communicating regularly about finances, having access to bank statements, and having the 'money talk' periodically will keep everyone on the same page.
Can My Husband Withhold Money From Me?
It is illegal for a man to withhold money from his wife if both of their names are on the account in question. Ethically, you must be able to access funds to provide your basic life necessities, at the very least. If your husband keeps money from you, it's a sign that you need help.
Is There a Difference Between Financial Abuse and Financial Infidelity?
Financial abuse is when your husband keeps money from you or makes you ask for it. It's your spouse's way of having control over you.
On the other hand, financial infidelity occurs when a spouse lies about debts or keeps money hidden from you. They can overlap, but they're not the same thing.
Should a Wife Be Financially Independent?
It's always a good idea for a woman to have financial independence.
While sharing finances and financial goals is a good first step, women — and perhaps both partners — should consider having their own accounts set up to protect them when they decide to stop working, just in case the relationship or marriage should end.
Everyone Should Be Financially Sound
If you're a stay-at-home mom, and your husband controls the money, it's time to take a stand. No one should feel 'less than' if they don't work and instead care for the kids. It takes a village to make everything go well, which sometimes means that one parent is not working.
Each relationship is different, and some women prefer when the men have control of the funds, but even in such situations, it should be a healthy control.
If your husband forces you to ask for money or won't talk to you about the finances, it's a sign of a toxic relationship, and it may be time for help.
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Adam Kol is The Couples Financial Coach. He helps couples go from financial overwhelm or fighting to clarity, teamwork, and peace of mind.
Adam is a Certified Financial Therapist-I™, Certified Mediator, and Tax Attorney with a Duke Law degree and a Master's in Tax Law from NYU. He is a husband, dad, and musician, as well.
Adam's wisdom has been shared with The Wall Street Journal, the Baltimore Ravens, CNBC, NewsNation, and more.
